EVA characters in weird situations
by BRANCCH
Summary: Yep, the title says everything. I put EVA characters in weird situations and see how things work out from there. Poor them
1. Chapter 1

I don't know of this has been done before but I'll give it a shot anyways. Here's how it works. I will choose a random theme and write an alternate reality on it. Sounds weird? It's actually quite simple. For example, in this episode, I'll write about what will happen if Asuka and Kaji happened to switch bodies. By the way, don't expect anything serious. It is supposed to be a parody

All characters are the property of Gainax. So, all rights to these characters belong to them.

Without any further ado, I present to you,

Episode 1: Asuka Switches Bodies With Kaji

"All readings clear, we can commence the experiment as soon as you're ready." A pretty lady with short, brown hair commented.

"Are there any fluctuations in the pilot's A10 readings?" a blonde woman in a lab coat enquired.

"None whatsoever. We have perfect conditions. Its now or never." Was her curt reply.

It was business as usual in the Geofront. Ritsuko was working on some unfathomable experiment while Maya sat and monitored the screens. Asuka was inside a cylindrical chamber covered in LCL. Overlooking her was practically everyone in the NERV family.

Yes, everything seemed normal.

But was it? A certain blue haired albino was not in sight. However, if anyone happened to glance upwards and gaze into the air vent, they might just happen to make out the outline of a bluish green pinafore.

"I better keep this quiet. Otherwise, I'll never get my revenge." Thought the albino inside the air vent.

Although her face would never portray any feelings, she no doubt felt them as strongly as everyone else. And one person she had strong feelings for was Asuka. Not good feelings though, all she felt for her was annoyance and Rei did not like to be annoyed.

"I'll just pull this, and this and spray a bit of this over there and… done." Rei examined her handiwork with pride. Around her, wires that had been connected to the cylindrical chamber lay in shambles. Not only that, they had been sprayed with mousse.

As she crawled quietly towards the exit at the other side of NERV headquarters, Ritsuko was heard to give the command, "Switch on power to full!"

To their credit, the reserve generators came on just before widespread panic surfaced.

_30 seconds prior to the accident_

"Mr Kaji is so cute… I wish he'd just look at me for a moment." Asuka mused. She reckoned that if she continued gazing at him, he would eventually have no choice but to look at her. Then she would give him a wink. "Yep, how long can he just stare at the floor? I'm supposed to be the centre of attention here." She thought.

On the other hand…

"Damn, why is she looking at me like this? I've told her so many times that I won't ever like her. She's really just a little girl still. Regardless whether she graduated from university or not." Kaji groaned inwardly.

However, he was getting tired of staring at the floor and Asuka did look pretty in the bright red plug suit.

"Just a glance won't hurt right?" he reasoned with himself.

Little did he realise how wrong he would be.

As Maya pressed the button that transferred all power to the chamber Asuka was in, several things happened. Firstly, instead of Asuka being able to pilot the Evangelion from outside the robot itself (which of course was the experiment), the short circuit caused her to have ten thousand volts of electricity coursing through her body. However, instead of killing her, a strange phenomenon took place instead. Asuka's soul was driven out of her body. What's more, it entered the body of the person she last had direct eye contact with. Which turned out to be Kaji. Kaji's soul on the other hand, left his body to accommodate Asuka's (without his permission of course) and settled into the only body without a soul. The one inside the cylindrical chamber.

Imagine how they would have felt when the lights came back on again.

Kaji grabbed his head groggily, "Why am I hurting so much? It was just a blackout right?" As he tried to take a deep breathe, the smell of blood nearly caused him to gag. "What the…?" he managed to choke out. Finally, he tried opening his eyes. What greeted him nearly cause him to faint. He was inside some weird contraception that was cylindrical in shape. However, what frightened him most was to stare at his own unconscious body lying on the floor. "This is not good…" he wimpered.

When Asuka woke up, she fully expected to be greeted with huge doses of aches and pains. However, she felt relatively ok. In fact, she felt great, and somehow… stronger. When she opened her eyes, she was ready to show the entire NERV facility that even a ten thousand volt electric shock was unable to do much harm to her. But what came out instead was a shrill scream. Shrill and sustained.

The room exploded with laughter in spite of themselves. Even the stern faced commander with white gloves grinned. Seeing a fully-grown man screaming like a schoolgirl can do that.

_5 hours after accident_

Kaji instinctively tried stuffing 'her' hands into the side pockets of a pair of pants. Unfortunately for him, he was wearing the ridiculous yellow dress that Asuka was always wearing. As his fingers slid across smooth fabric, he heaved another sigh. "Why does it have to be me?" he muttered a silent protest to the heavens.

As a technician walked past him and winked, Kaji almost wished for an angel attack.

Unlike her romantic interest, Asuka was having the time of her life. For the umpteenth time, she walked up towards Misato and pinched her butt cheeks, watching her face grow redder and redder each time. Luckily for her, their situation had been clarified two hours ago. Ritsuko's cross-referencing proved that they had indeed switched bodies. However, ridiculous that may sound.

In a deep voice, Asuka squealed, "I still don't believe it, Kaji and I actually switched

bodies! Now, maybe I can have a chance to get closer to him."

Despite her best efforts, Misato could not keep a straight face. "Maybe you could." She said at last. "Oh and by the way, we have changed your living quarters. From now onwards, you will be staying at Kaji's place. He'll move in with me and Shinji." She continued. Seeing the confused look at the man's (or girl's depending on what you prefer) face, she explained, "Kaji has never been a girl before, he'll need extra… guidance."

"I guess… and make sure he does not do anything… unpleasant to me." Asuka finally ventured.

Misato agreed and shook her hand formally, still grinning like the Cheshire cat.

_2 weeks later in an apartment in Tokyo 3_

"Um… Mr Kaji…are you done?" Shinji asked the person inside the toilet. "We're late for school."

"I don't think I can go today… I'm having my…periods." A female voice replied coyly.

Shinji's face coloured significantly.

"Um… get…well soon then…" he squeaked and left hurriedly.

Inside the toilet, Kaji groaned again as another spasm of pain shot through him. "Now this sucks." He thought. "Guess this is revenge for 'exploring' my new body the past week."

In case what he said confused you. Kaji actually did many…distasteful things the previous week. He may seem like a nice guy, but deep down inside, all men are the same. He engaged in some exploration first but slowly progressed to full-blown self-loving. He enjoyed the attention that he was getting from boys as well. Being a guy himself, he knew exactly what to say to hit their sensitive spots. The only person that seemed totally unaffected by this change in Asuka's character was Shinji. But he was already in the know so that does not count. All in all, Kaji was beginning to enjoy this new body… but in a disturbing way.

In Kaji's apartment 2 weeks after the accident 

"I hate this… object." Asuka complained after she pissed all over the floor. "How am I supposed to aim when its so…hard?" she thought. Then, a small voice niggling inside her head told her, "you can always sit down…" Asuka hurriedly did what it suggested.

"I wonder if Mr Kaji likes me now?" she daydreamed her favourite topic once again. "After all, he cannot avoid me now that this happened can he?"

Asuka, like Kaji, was still unused to her new body. She almost had a heart attack when she woke up with an erection. And although she would never admit it, she explored her body thoroughly as well. It fascinated her to no end. From his well-defined muscles to his scruffy chin, she ran her fingers over and over them again until she felt something between her legs grow warm. Then, the 30 year-old man gave a squeak and stopped molesting himself.

After about thirty minutes of daydreaming, Asuka gave a start. Today was supposed to be her monthly period! As she walked towards the telephone to call Kaji to see if she/he was ok, she had a strange foreboding about this. As if something bad would happen. Her twitching eyelids were not helping either.

"RRRIINNGG… RRIINNGG… click… Hello? Mr Kaji? How are you feeling?" A manly voice asked over the phone.

"Urrrg… how can you endure this every month?" Kaji groaned. "I tried everything to stop it. I even stuffed tissue paper inside but the bleeding won't stop!"

Asuka's "new" eyes widened in shock.

"You WHAT!"

"Oh what I meant was I tried my best to stop the blee…CLICK!"

And before Mr Kaji had a chance to finish his sentence, Asuka was already on the way to Misato's apartment.

_30 minutes later…_

Asuka was ready to give Mr Kaji a tight slap upon arrival but hesitated when she saw uncertainty on her original face. However, she was still determined to give him a piece of her mind.

"HENTAI! WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY STUFFING TISSUE PAPER INSIDE!"

"I uh… I was hurting badly and the bleeding just wouldn't stop. So I thought…" Kaji said sheepishly.

Asuka had to check if he actually damaged anything.

"Let me take a look."

"What?"

"I said let me take a look!" Asuka said in embarrassment.

Kaji knew that he had to comply. He coyly took of his skirt and undergarments. Then, he waited for Asuka to check. Blushing furiously all the time.

Asuka wanted this to be quick but when she saw her own body in this submissive position, she hesitated. With trembling hands, she parted Kaji's 'new' legs and took a peek. Unknown to her, her breathing became heavy and… lusty. She was shocked to find herself fully erected.

Then all hell broke loose.

Kaji gave a shrill scream and pointed behind her, motioning for Asuka to look behind her. She paled as she realised it was probably Misato or even worse, Shinji, that was behind her. Knowing how this situation would look to outsiders, Asuka knew that she was doomed to humiliation for as long as she lived.

"YOU TWO HENTAIS!" A woman's voice sounded.

So… at least it was only Misato. Or so Asuka thought.

"We better get out and leave them alone Misato…" a boy's voice said in reply.

Unfortunately for Asuka, the boy she considered a baka saw them in this compromising position as well. Unable to take it anymore, blackness soon enveloped her thirty-year-old body.

"Um… Hi?" Kaji said uncertainly.

All he got in reply was a tight slap from Misato.

_Somewhere in NERV_

Rei looked at the live feed from the pinhole camera she planted in Misato's apartment. Although she never showed her emotions, since she orchestrated this event, she was undoubtedly proud and happy of her plan. Now, encouraged by her success, she was ready to think of a new plan to make her happiness complete.

"Now how can I make Shinji fall in love with me?"

THE END 

That's it folks! My first Eva fanfic. Hope you guys liked it. Please R&R. Otherwise, how am I going to improve? Haha.


	2. Chapter 2

Welcome back folks! Today, we'll see what happens if Rei was the commander of NERV while Gendo pilots Unit 00.

All characters are the property of Gainax. So, all rights to these characters belong to them.

Without any further ado, I present to you,

**Episode 2: NERV Commander Rei; Unit 00 Pilot Gendo**

Shinji Ikari found himself in an unfamiliar situation of standing in front of the most powerful person in possibly the whole world. Unfortunately for his ego, the commander of NERV appeared to be of the same age as him. And she was a girl.

"Third Child, you are to pilot the Evangelion and fight that angel."

"What? You expect me to pilot something that I have absolutely no previous experience in and fight some giant entity that could possibly kill me?" Shinji said, aghast.

"Yes. Otherwise, there could be no future for humanity." The blue haired commander replied.

"NO I WON'T!"

"You leave me with no choice. Fuyutsuki, bring the other pilot here."

The sub-commander motioned towards the medical crew to wheel the severely injured pilot of the Evangelion into the room. Shinji took a close look at the heavily bandaged person in a white plug suit and said, "Father?"

"Gendo, the replacement is useless, you have to pilot the Evangelion again."

The poor man nodded his head slightly and tried gamely to get up. Unfortunately for him, the angel chose this time to fire a shot, causing the ceiling supports to fall and overturn the stretcher he was lying on.

Shinji ran towards his father. He held the pilot close to him and smelled blood, or so he thought.

"You're bleeding…"

"No I'm not, its LCL." Gendo replied.

"I thought you're hurt?" Shinji inquired.

"Urrg… oww… groan…"

The commander stared at her puppet.

"_He'd better not give the act away…" _She thought.

…

…

…

"I'll do it!" Shinji finally relented.

"That's a good boy. Ritsuko, scramble it."

So it was, that fifteen minutes after Shinji agreed to pilot the space age robot, he came face to face with the third angel.

"You're that piece of shit that hurt my father? I'll hurt you!" Shinji roared uncharacteristically, filial piety getting the better of him. (A/N: huh? Filial piety?)

Then, the boy looked over at his control panels.

"What the… Hey! There are no joysticks! No fancy controls for manoeuvring! How the hell am I going to make this thing move?"

NERV's head scientist sweat dropped. "Just focus on the very concept of walking. As you are linked to its nervous system, that will suffice to make it move."

Luckily for Shinji and probably for humanity as a whole, the angel was actually surprised at the new target's lack of movement and therefore decided to observe the Evangelion for a while longer before choosing the proper course of action.

Then, the genetically engineered purple bio machine took a hesitant step towards the angel. Then another and another and another. Finally, it charged head on at the angel with the single intent of disembowelling it and offering its internal organ (or in this case the S2 engine) as a tribute to the pilot's incapacitated father.

"ARRRG! ARRG! AAARRRRGGGG!" Shinji could be heard screaming inside the cockpit. It was this fury that the boy unleashed whenever he was angry that made him such a suitable candidate for piloting the Evangelion. The commander could already imagine him taking out the remaining angels and finally bringing about her vision of the Third Impact. Reuniting her with her adoptive mother Yui Ikari, who coincidentally, was the current pilot's mother as well as the former pilot's wife. Surprisingly, Yui left the reigns of NERV to Rei (who was still an infant) just before she died. Everyone came up with his or her own theories as to why she did that. Nevertheless, they never got their answers, as Rei never let slip on anything. But I have digressed. The focus of this scene is on the boy and how he was going to rip the poor angel to shreds.

"DIE YOU COCKSUCKER! NOBODY ATTACKS AN IKARI WITHOUT INCURRING MY WRATH!" Shinji, almost in berserk mode screamed. Willing his robot towards the angel, the boy was prepared to suffer whatever damage the angel was able to inflict upon him as long as he could hurt it in return. Eva 01's hands reached out, claw like, to grip the angel's body….

Sachiel the third angel sidestepped the charging purple mass. Causing it to ram headfirst into a nearby skyscraper.

Commander Rei slapped her forehead with gloved hands. "_This is going to be harder than I thought."_

Sachiel grabbed Eva 01's head and proceeded to fire energy beams at its eyes.

"URRG! MY EYES!" Shinji grabbed his face. "They're still there…right?"

"Oh I'm sorry…" Ritsuko's voice could be heard over the intercom. "I forgot to mention that since you are linked to the Eva's nervous system…you can feel its pain as well."

"What! That's hardly fair!" Shinji's eyes glowed dangerously red. His anger at being betrayed once again finally overcame his self-control.

(On cue, the song, The Beast starts to play in the background)

Unit 01's other eye glowed red as it reactivated. (Ritsuko: Oh my god its berserk!) An Absolute Terror field emanated from the Evangelion, which forcefully ejected Unit 01 from Sachiel's death grip. Somersaulting in mid-air, Eva 01 aimed its knee spikes at the core of the angel. When the knee spikes connected, a pathetic moan could be heard coming from the angel. That only served to fuel Shinji's bloodlust and he mercilessly pounded the core until the angel could not take the pain any longer and self-destructed, forming a large energy beam the shape of a cross.

Inside the safety of the Geofront, the other members of NERV stared blankly at the ruthlessness displayed in front of them. That as well as Shinji's ability to synch almost perfectly with the Evangelion dumbfounded them. Only one person seemed unconcerned.

There, seated on the table overseeing the entire project was the commander, hands criss-crossed in front of her face, displaying absolutely no emotion whatsoever.

"Send a retrieval team to get the pilot out" was all she said.

**Weeks after the fight with the third angel**

Shinji had finally managed to settle down relatively peacefully in Tokyo 3. Although the enigmatic commander and his father still remained mysteries to him, he felt accepted and welcomed by practically everyone else. That was until Misato decided to be his permanent guardian.

The Katsuragi residence was never a good place to live in. Especially if you are housebroken and male. Unfortunately for Shinji, he happened to be both. Today however, his torment was all the more unbearable, due to a certain Miss Ritsuko Akagi deciding to give his guardian a visit. After their 137th dirty joke about what Misato could be doing with his nubile young body when nobody is home, Ritsuko's face paled suddenly.

"Shit…"

"What's the matter Rit-chan?" Misato asked, surprised by her friend's sudden change in behaviour.

"I forgot to give Gendo his new security access card!" Ritsuko said sadly. "What's worse, I have to visit my sick grandmother later. If only someone can help me pass it to him… someone I can trust."

She looked at Misato expectantly.

"Don't look at me, I still have piled of work to complete by tomorrow." Misato quickly countered.

In actual fact, they just did not want to be near the weird 36 year old man who obeyed the every command of the 14-year-old commander. Furthermore, he was still studying in the fourth grade for goodness sake! Then, an idea hit them.

"Shinji?" Both women looked at him. "You do it!" They said in unison.

"Why me?" Shinji stammered.

"Because you have nothing better to do. AND, he is your father. What better way to start on some family bonding!" Ritsuko said with a tone of finality in her voice.

With that, she placed Gendo's security in Shinji's breast pocket and ushered him out of the house.

**Gendo's apartment: Apartment 402**

Shinji knocked timidly at the door. Not surprisingly, nobody answered.

"_And the doorbell's spoiled as well" _he cursed inwardly.

Finally deciding to try his luck, Shinji tried turning the doorknob. To his relief, the door was unlocked. He cautiously pushed the door open and peered inside.

"Anybody home?" he asked.

No reply.

"If you are at home please say so or I am going to piss on your bed."

Still nothing.

Taking that to be his cue to explore the mess of an apartment that his father called home, Shinji stepped boldly into where no teenage boy has stepped into before. Then, something caught his attention. On top of a small cupboard next to a beaker of water, was a pair of orange tinted glasses.

"_Strange, they look like the pair the commander always wear_." Shinji thought. Out of curiosity, Shinji decided to try them on.

A noise could be heard behind him.

Shinji whirled 180 degrees to see what created that noise and came face to face with an almost naked Gendo, with only a tower draped over his shoulders.

"Ddd…ddd…dad?" Shinji stammered as he saw Gendo striding angrily towards him and yank the glasses out of his face.

"What can I do for you?" Gendo ask emotionlessly as he placed the glasses carefully back into its original position.

"Yo…yo...your access card! I bro… bro…brought it he…he…here for you!" Shinji hastily replied. After being separated with his father for 10 years, suddenly seeing Gendo in his full naked glory made Shinji as nervous as if he saw Commander Rei naked.

"Place it on the table then." Gendo stated simply, his voice still bearing no emotion whatsoever.

"Rrright!" Shinji did as he was told and hurriedly tried to leave the room. However, his sling bag was caught by the cupboard's handle. In his hurry, the sudden jerk caused him to lose his balance and fall. He instinctively tried to grab something to balance himself but all he could reach was Gendo. Finally, the son landed on top his father in a heap of boxer shorts and briefs.

A stunned moment of silence later, Shinji peered at where he had landed. His eyes widened as he realised his face was near his father's crotch while his right was touching something fleshy. That in itself would have frightened most boys but what happened to Shinji was worse. His right hand felt the fleshy portion of his father's body becoming steadily harder. Then, he looked up at Gendo's face and noticed a slight blush and a small smile of encouragement. He lost it there and then. All traces of sanity.

"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG"

**3 weeks later in a psychiatric ward**

"I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away…" the boy who was curled in a foetal position was murmuring.

The commander was not amused. She turned towards her 'doll' and stared daggers at him.

"Dolls are not supposed to get emotionally attached to humans. You had better keep that in mind." She chastised the 36-year-old man who was wearing his school uniform. "Now go and wait for me in Terminal Dogma."

"Yes Madam."

Rei watched her 'doll' exit the ward, leaving her alone with Shinji. Then, a small smile crept its way unto her usually emotionless face. Her stepbrother really looked like his mother.

"_Soon Yui-chan, we're going to be re-united."_

**THE END**

I kinda liked the way this fic turned out. Review please? Should I continue or is this too dumb? My sister/proof-reader certainly thinks so.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer 

All characters are the property of Gainax. So, all rights to these characters belong to them. I'm not Black Sabbath, Disturbed or Mozart either. Though I do own their albums. (Yes! Even Mozart!)

**NERV's Annual Concert**

In a totally soundproofed cavern deep beneath NERV, a cavern so shrouded in mystery that even Rei does not know of its existence, a concert was being held in remembrance of Yui Ikari.

"Fuyutsuki, are you ready?" Gendo asked the man behind the drums.

"Ready when you are mofo." The aging professor replied.

"How bout the guitars and bass?" Gendo asked the remainder of his band.

"Just start the concert already" Shigeru, Matoko and Maya said impatiently.

Gendo looked at the giant 50m by 40m picture of Yui hanging on the wall in front of them. He pointed a finger at his beloved, rocker style, and said, " This is for you, Yui"

Fuyutsuki then gave the timing, "One, two, three, four!"

And the band started jamming.

**Return Yui and take Rei (sung to the tune of Black Sabbath's Paranoid)**  
_By Gendo Ikari_

Finished with Ritsuko  
Cuz she couldn't help return my wife  
All I want is Yui  
But in Unit 01 she's stuck inside

All day long I think of Yui  
But nothing sems to satisfy  
I even tried to ease my pain  
By having Lillith crucified

Oh Impact Three  
Return Yui and take Rei  
Oh yeah

In order to get Yui back  
I spared no chance, all plans I've tried  
However all my plans have failed  
I am so sad I even cried.

(Shigeru's smashing guitar solo here)

A Bastard King I can't deny  
All SEELE's commands I will defy  
Shinji's love I canot feel  
He got so mad he ate Zeruel

Checking with the Dead Sea Scrolls  
To decipher the perfect date  
I will use my puppet Rei  
To snatch Yui back from Heaven's Gate

* * *

"Whoa that was the best jam ever!" Maya excitedly told the rest of the band. 

"Yea, like, totally!" Gendo said.

Everyone looked at him in disbelief.

"Uh I mean good job everyone." He hastily corrected himself.

Unknown to them however, a certain Miss Rei Ayanami had found the cavern by accident and heard the song that was just sung. Angered by the apparent betrayal of the person she always regarded to as her father, her angelic instincts finally took over.

_**(NERV Bridge)**_

"Doctor! A blue pattern has been detected inside NERV!" a new tech worriedly told Ritsuko. (Maya was jamming remember?)

"Impossible! The Scrolls have said nothing of an angel attack today!" Ritsuko replied.

Misato however, managed to keep relatively cool in the face of this situation.

"I'm going down to check, Send Shinji and Asuka in their EVAs as backup." She told the rest of the bridge crew.

In face of imminent danger, everyone did as they were told.

_**(Back to the Secret Cavern)**_

Rei floated towards Gendo and the others.

"How dare you… I fought for you, was willing to die for you and even treated you as my father..." She said menacingly.

Gendo realised that the situation was getting out of hand and tried to talk his way out. "You don't understand…"

Suddenly, Fuyutsuki started drumming again. It was a tribal beat.

"What are you doing?" Gendo asked worriedly.

"I cannot help it! Someone seems to be controlling my body!" The professor said, extremely afraid.

Maya, Shigeru and Matoka were also taking up their instruments.

"Whats happening to us?" The bridge bunnies thought worriedly.

Rei looked at them and smiled. It was a smile that was both happy and terrifying. "I'm controlling your bodies of course."

Then she walked towards Gendo and used her AT Field to fling him towards a wall and pin him there. Picking up the fallen microphone, she looked at the panic-stricken man eyeball to eyeball. "Let me sing you a little song."

**Down With The Bastard (sung to the tune of Disturbed's Down With The Sickness)**  
_By Rei Ayanami_

OH WA AA AA AA

(Heavy riffs here)

Bowing down when you gave your orders  
Gendo your puppet I kneel  
(Will you give it to me)

It seems that all of my trust in you  
Has been betrayed, by you  
(Will you give it to me

Looks like you're having some trouble  
In dealing with my anger  
Dealing with Angel's anger

There is no turning back  
Now that you woken up the Angel  
IN ME

_Chorus  
_Get up! I'm gonna rip out your innards  
Get up! I'm gonna rip out your innards  
Get up! I'm gonna rip out your innards  
Open up your gut and let your intestines flow  
Get up! I'm gonna rip out your innards  
You bastard get up! I'm gonna rip out your innards  
You fucker get up! I'm gonna rip out your innards  
Your body is the gift I'm gonna give to Yui

I can see inside you the terror is rising  
Don't try to deny what you feel  
(Will you give it to me)

It seems like the old Rei has died  
And is replaced by me  
(Will you give it to me)

It seems you're having some trouble  
In dealing with this Demon  
A motherfucking Demon

I know the world is a scary place  
Now that you woken up the Angel  
IN ME

_Chorus_

And when you scream  
And when you scream  
And when you scream  
And when you scream

(Gendo starts screaming here)

NO AYANAMI  
DON'T DO IT AGAIN  
DON'T DO IT AGAIN  
I'LL BE A GOOD BOY  
I'LL BE A GOOD BOY  
I PROMISE  
NO AYANAMI DON'T HIT ME  
ARRRG  
WHY YOU HAD TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT AYANAMI  
DON'T DO IT YOU'RE HURTING ME  
ARRRG

(Rei's turn to scream as she starts ripping Gendo to shreds)

WHY YOU HAD BE SUCH A PRICK  
WHY DON'T YOU  
WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCK OFF HERE AND DIE  
WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCK OFF HERE AND DIE  
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE HERE AND DIE  
NEVER ORDER ME AROUND AGAIN PRICK  
FUCK YOU  
I DON'T NEED YOUR SHIT  
YOU STUPID SADISTIC ABUSIVE FUCKING WHORE  
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE HOW IT FEELS GENDO  
HERE IT COME GET READY TO DIE!

_Chorus_

Get up! I'm gonna rip out your innards  
Get up! I'm gonna rip out your innards  
Get up! I'm gonna rip out your innards  
Open up your gut and let your intestines flow  
Get up! I'm gonna rip out your innards  
You bastard get up! I'm gonna rip out your innards  
You fucker get up! I'm gonna rip out your innards  
I'LL TEAR OUT YOUR HEART AND SHOW IT TO SHINJI!

* * *

And with the carnage done, Rei happily floated out of the cavern, leaving four shell-shocked members of Gendo's band staring at her rapidly diminishing back profile.

And without the Bastard King, Third Impact never occurred.

10 years after Gendo met his untimely end

"Daddy, read me a bedtime story!" Shinji's daughter pestered him.

"Sakura dear, Daddy has to work tomorrow…" Shinji replied

"Just a short one?" Sakura said, not willing to sleep until her father complied with her.

"Ok ok… I'll tell you a story about an evil man. And how his creation defeated him in the end ok?" Shinji asked.

Sakura nodded her head.

"Here is how it goes…"

**Gendo Had An Albino (sung to the tune of Mozart's Mary Had A Little Lamb)**  
_By Shinji Ikari_

Gendo had an albino  
Albino  
Albino  
Gendo had an albino  
Her skin was white as snow

Every order that Gendo gave  
Gendo gave  
Gendo gave  
Every order that Gendo gave  
The girl was sure to follow

She overheard him sing one day  
Sing one day  
Sing one day  
She overheard him sing one day  
Then she knew he was BAD

She proceeded to rip him up  
Rip him up  
Rip him up  
She proceeded to rip him up…

Shinji noticed his daughter was covering her eyes. She must be frightened by his gory details.

"And they all lived happily ever after."

No point causing bad dreams.

**THE END**

Well, that was kinda cute don't you think? Trust me when I say changing the lyric to fit the story is a chore. Man, took me almost 3 days to alter them till they were moderately presentable.

Finally, please review!


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